#56: do it for yourself
I am back and ready to rip! Sabbath, Mari Andrew, felted wool painting, and Xandra's art curations
Above is an audio recording of me reading this post for those who prefer listening. Thank you for being here! And thank you, Philipp Kaspar, for the intro music.
653 unread newsletters. I watched that number grow and clung to it in my head as the reading task that I would joyously embark upon when I had the time for it.
I spent the winter heads down working on a project that kind of exploded and the next thing I knew, we were covered by the NYT, Today Show, and the rest. I no longer had the bandwidth to work my full-time job, grow this new project, and write my newsletter. So I put it on pause. And I watched my sources of inspiration build up like a squirrel collecting acorns.
“When I have the time to write again,” so I thought, “I will first go back and read all of the newsletters that have landed in my inbox from December to April so that I will be up to date with all of the sources of inspiration that had fueled me previously.”
When the time came to do that, though, it felt like a relentless task. I sat in my bed as my favorite writers’ words blended together. Nothing was gripping my attention because I wasn’t actually giving my attention to these words in the ways that they deserved. I was rushing to pour through all 653 of these before I could have the space and wherewithal to write my own.
Last night, I laid in bed with a cup of tea and a homemade chocolate peanut butter cup and started reading again. I made it through a few but realized I only had the bandwidth for cooking newsletters or ones that appeared longer only because of their photos. This is not what I wanted. I wasn’t retaining anything and inspiration was a far cry from what I was feeling.
Defeat.
Outsourcing.
Somewhere along the way, I had created a notion in my head that the only way I would be able to write again was by reading those that I admire.
I slowly started deleting more of these emails with a less clingy eye. The speed picked up and I had a realization. The more of these that I deleted, the better I felt. I heard my voice come back online again. I realized that I have been fighting tooth and nail to find things that I thought would resonate with other people.
I needed to go back in. I needed to write for myself.
So this morning, as I sat in my bed and drank my coveted cup of matcha, I wrote morning pages for the first time in a while and I felt reconnected. I thought back to a day last summer when I took myself on an artist’s date to go see Generation Women. Dressed in frills, notebook and pen in my bag, I sat down and ordered a glass of white wine and pretended to be a journalist.
In that moment, it felt so clear to me that I love writing.
captures it perfectly, “By extension, to love writing is to be an instrument of attention for the world. To be sensitive to the small, the intimate, the mundane. To open the door to dreams and to let them transform you.”I feel rusty and out of writing shape. I often start these without a clear direction of where I am going.
is a place where I process the things that I am learning. It’s a filter for taking in the world around me and turning it into something new.Of the very few newsletters that I did get to reading out of the 653, I was most drawn in by those that were clearly written for the author’s own understanding. Like my friend
, who just launched , a newsletter where he shares his path to healing from chronic pain. I couldn’t possibly recommend reading (or listening to) it more.How often do we get in our own way by making fake work for ourselves so we can feel productive in avoiding the work that actually needs to be done?
Delete the 653 emails or whatever the equivalent is for you. Clear out the distractions. What is the thing that you’ve been wanting to do or create but have held yourself back out of fear of not knowing where to get started?
I have no clue where to get started here. I don’t know how to properly jump back into writing this newsletter. So I am just going to start. Because I miss writing and I miss the sense of connection I feel when somehow, the thing that is top of mind for me, finds resonance with you, too.
That’s where I am going to start.
Today,
is top of mind. My dear friend interviewed her on his podcast the other night and I had the privilege of being there live to witness the conversation. Mari is an illustrator and author who first caught my attention with her post “To Miss.” I wrote about hearing her speak last year in my post, Be the Shot of Whiskey.Mari’s presence is special. The attention that she pays to the world around her is palpable, you can feel it when she walks into a room. She remembers everyone, too. She looked at Em and said, “Of course I remember you. You have an unforgettable presence. You must get that a lot?!” To John, she said “I remember you from last year. You ask such great questions and are so thoughtful and gentle in your delivery of them.”
She is a true artist. And she is oh so human. Mari walks the walk and her honesty is sobering. That’s why her words have found such resonance with so many people.
Last November, Mari started felted wool painting. Around the same time, someone had sent her an episode of the Ezra Klein show about the Sabbath and she hesitantly listened. As a girl who studied religion in college and enjoyed leisurely Saturdays, she mocks herself as being, “all good on the topic of Sabbath.“ She listened anyway and was reminded of the power of bringing short periods of Sabbath-like rest and attention into everyday life.
Mari writes, “Rather than tune the world out, so the hosts explained, Sabbath is about tuning in. And by becoming more present, even to chaotic surroundings, we find rest and inner peace.”
What was special about this type of ‘rest’ is that it allowed her to get lost in an activity that sparked immense joy. She started dedicating time each day to appreciating the mundane while felted wool painting instead of scrolling or power housing through the week to get to the Sabbath on the weekend. Mari tuned the world in by reclaiming the ordinary annoyances of NYC (ie riding the subway, crowded spots for bagels on Sunday morning, rats and pigeons, and all the rest). She set out to turn the overwhelm of NYC into mini-Sabbaths by converting these observances into masterful felted wool paintings.
Each felt design takes 20 hours to make. So it was a perfect project for her to learn how to integrate these intentional rest periods into her daily life. And she felt immensely restored by it.
Healthy dopamine!
I’ve found myself craving more routine like this lately. (I think it has to do with the seasons shifting.)
Better sleep and wake-times. A social media detox. Taking a break from drinking. Lowering my caffeine intake. Romanticizing my lemon/ginger water morning ritual, journaling, meditating, long walks, and more intentional exercise. Truthfully, I love when I get on a kick like this. It reminds me of the beginning of a new semester and going to Muji to buy new journals and colored pens to color-coordinate the shit out of my schedule and notes, and get ready to place my syllabi in their respective sections of my binder.
I have spent a long time trying to be less rigid in some of these areas and have formerly labeled these parts of my personality as neurotic and over-the-top. But in this season, I am having a lot of appreciation for getting to reframe that once again. To appreciate my diligence, discipline, and the creativity that such structure provides. You can engage in the same exact behaviors with different intentions and have a completely new experience of yourself, I am learning.
In the absence of social media, I am slowly starting to remember what healthy dopamine feels like. Type 2 fun. Having enough silence and spaciousness during the week to get a little bit bored, to have to think of what to do, to take up a cleaning project, go on a walk, spontaneously call a friend, or take myself on a little adventure that makes me feel connected to myself and my surroundings.
As Mari talked about her daily Sabbathing in the form of felting, I was reminded of how good healthy dopamine feels and how positive structure can provide the freedom to engage with that type of activity.
We are all so plugged up with distractions. Mari just wrote a book in 8 days. It took her 4 years to think about this book but in just 8 days, she was able to download her most meaningful piece of work yet. Mari’s process is organic and free-flowing. She writes in fits. Wrecklessly, boundlessly, with grace and freedom and surrender. But her gestation periods are long. For 4 years, her ideas were marinating in her mind. And had she picked up her phone at the faintest whisper of boredom, she wouldn’t have had the spaciousness to work in the background on this project for 4 years.
That is how I like to create too. Long gestation periods. Marinating on ideas. Allowing them to percolate and then come together all at once.
And being willing to let go.
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
Kahlil Gibran
“You can’t hang on and start a new chapter at the same time. You just have to close it,” Mari said.
You just have to move on. You just have to start writing again.
So here I am. One chapter closed. A new one beginning.
It really does feel good to be writing again. Someone asked Mari what if felt like to hear that her art show has been “such a success.”
“It’s funny,” she said.
Mari doesn’t see this show as being a success because a few of her pieces sold or because a lot of bodies entered and exited the gallery doors. It was already a success to her to get to create these pieces and share them with the world. The creation of this art in itself was a success because she made it out of love. Everything on top of that is just a bonus. “I didn’t care at all what people thought.”
There is a great difference between recognition and contribution. Recognition comes in the form of “Good work!” “I loved this.” Contribution stems from “Thank you.”1
When you contribute something of true value to the world, people don’t say “good job.” They say “Thank you.”
Thank you, Mari, for showing up in the way that you do. The way that you share about your creative process is revelatory and I needed to hear it. So, thank you.
I hemmed and hawed over where to start, over how to dive back in.
Should I have posts planned out? Should I start writing differently? How do I address some sensitive topics that don’t feel fully appropriate to share in this forum?
I am not sure. But I just know that I want to be writing again. So I set a deadline with my favorite human and I won’t break my word.
Part of the catharsis of going to this podcast mixer last night was to reflect on the differences between my life now and my life a year ago. Profoundly different.
Last summer, I craved structurelessness, freedom, and novelty.
This summer, I crave intimacy, routine, and calm.
I have so much to say. Thank you for
this week!!!!I am back!!! And absolutely ready to rip!!!!!
Char’s Web Song of the Week
Xandra’s Curation Corner
So I dont think I’ve sent you Mika Tajima yet but do flag if I have
But she’s the person that immediately came to mind when I read through this
She does happen to be a Pace artist and I’ve been lucky enough to have the opportunity to do a studio visit with her - she has this fascinating blend of sculpture, painting and installation that really fuses together in such a harmonious way — all with central themes that relate to tapping inwards
“Sabbath is about tuning in. And by becoming more present, even to chaotic surroundings, we find rest and inner peace.” This part specifically held so strongly to me
Her work is integral into understanding the “energy” that we channel within ourselves — specifically her pieces within the Pranayama series and Naturtrans
with these, she has literally fused spa nozzles into monoliths of quartz, as if to evoke nature’s “breathing”
Seeing these was so visceral to me
Standout of her work though was these Negative Entropy pieces that are woven paintings forged from records of brain activity - literal neuroscans
More of a science-neural element than maybe what your’e speaking to above, as it seems to be more spiritual, but I do think the way her color works is quite spiritual in a way
And paired with the sculpture I think it’s all very fascinating how one can blend contemporary technological elements of our society with very historically spiritual ways of perceiving oneself and one’s mind
All past issues of Char’s Web are available for reading here. A few samples below…
#1: A first of many.
#43: the slobs I peeled off the street
#49: we have to be orderly on the instant
#50: the soundtrack of “Up”
Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, The Courage to Be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness (New York: Atria Books, 2018)
She is back and ready to rip!!!! let's go!!!
I loved reading your reflections here!!! Thank you for the shout-out and so much more related to that event!!! I appreciate so much!
Excited to read the next one!!!
This made me smile so big. I'm happy to see your name pop up in my inbox again and in awe of the profound life changes that have happened over the past 4 months. Life is wild!!!!!! More type 2 fun!!!! I love it! And you! And this newsletter. Welcome back, Char :)