#43: the friend qualities of John Lifrieri
how "finding the others" makes it easier to place bets on yourself
Today’s newsletter begins with the story of a burrito,
, and John Lifrieri.For whatever reason, these two beautiful humans run into each other all of the time on the streets of WillyB. In a recent encounter, John and David stood in the middle of the crosswalk as David shared that he was en route to get a burrito. John pretended to never have heard of a burrito before. And while defying oncoming traffic, David explained the concept of a burrito to John like a person who had never heard of an apple. A perfect example of one of our rules: “commit to the bit.”
Another burrito-specific rule of David’s is respectfully, fuck the rice. Which I am so with. It’s filler. My dad taught me this growing up: a breakfast burrito consists of eggs, bacon, cheese, avocado, and tomato with Lily’s salsa, ofc. Similarly, David wants to taste the pineapple and the pork in his al pastor burrito to its fullest extent. So no rice-as-a-distraction necessary.
We quickly saw this as a metaphor for life. Hold the rice. Ditch the fluff. In college, I learned about a study, which basically said that as you get older, the in-born traits of your personality (ie your nature) become more expressed. And the fluff that you put on in order to chameleon yourself into a version that may be more likable in social settings falls away. If any of you have noticed a recent loss in patience for things that you used to people-please your way through tolerating, you know exactly what I am talking about.
And the beauty of ejecting the rice from the metaphorical burrito of your personality is that you become more noticeably flavorful. People can identify who you are. You leave an imprint. An unmistakable one. And the more you are able to do this, the easier it is to know who else should be in your world and what types of opportunities are made for you specifically.
This is the pathway to “finding the others.”
talks about this in a recent blog post about the importance of finding people who are similarly challenging conventional conceptions of life, time, and work. He describes his “others” as being, “on paths that made sense to me and had similar perspectives on life, time, and work. They became friends and it gave me the confidence to keep betting on myself.”1I don’t think the value of understanding what types of people you want in your world can be overstated. A common trait I see amongst people who challenge conventional ways of living is that the beginning of their quest to discover alternatives is characterized by a lot of loneliness. I definitely felt this. Part of it stems from an understanding of the absolute truth that we all enter and exit this world alone. Another part of it is that in the story arc of all of our lives, the “hero’s journey” requires a rejection of authority so that we learn how to become our own teachers. So that we figure out how to proceed in life without chronically needing to ask for permission. But this often results in a temporary overcorrection. What I mean by that is that we tend to isolate ourselves a lot at the beginning of challenging what we once knew to be true before we are ready to find a community of like-minded others that make the path towards self-understanding so much more joyful, connected, and worthwhile. This is what Millerd is referring to when he says “finding the others.”
His only regret in quitting his job to seek out a life of greater alignment is that he didn’t find peers who were doing the same beforehand. He recounts that it would have been a lot easier to find self-trust if he had others in his life that were mirroring the same challenges and triumphs.
Millerd says too that he partially knew his “tribe” existed before actually meeting them in real life because he’d tuned into their stories via podcasts and books. But actually meeting them feels different. I relate to that a lot. The amount of times I have gotten full-body chills in listening to someone else’s story and identifying parts that I want to make my own is too great to count. But becoming friends with people who feel the same, has given me an entirely new level of self-trust in my process of figuring out what I want to do with this “one wild and precious life.”2
Knowing what qualities these people hold is a helpful step in identifying them. Which makes me think of one of my favorite documents on my Google Drive titled “the friend qualities of John Lifrieri.”
Back in January, my friend John had a sneaking suspicion that I may hit it off with his friend Ben so he sent a voice note between the two of us, and a few weeks later, we met for an afternoon walk that turned into a four-hour adventure around Williamsburg. We were awestruck by how quickly we connected and spent a lot of the afternoon discussing what it is about John that attracts such a specific type of bird. And so was born this document. “the friend qualities of John Lifrieri” which I share with you because if you are reading this newsletter, I too have a sneaking suspicion that you will find resonance with these traits. And it’s been really beneficial for me in “finding the others,” so I share it in hopes that knowing what you are looking for in friends may just be the catalyst that you need to help you do the same.
the friend qualities of john lifrieri
socially risk-taking: unafraid to meet new people outside of any ‘ingroup’ (also probably doesn’t have a rigid ‘ingroup’), can talk to a brick wall, asks good questions, actually listens, avoids small talk, and wants to get to know people on a deeper level, leads with curiosity and wants to explore how other people think to expand their own worldview by empathically embodying the life experiences and stories of others
enjoys spending time alone: deep thinkers that sometimes need to retreat into solitude in order to ring out their metaphorical emotional sponge and think for themselves. probably also enjoys solo travel
commitment to growth: has a life philosophy that is contingent upon continuous growth, evolution, and self-exploration, people that yearn deeply and seek to understand themselves above all else so that they can show up in their fullest unique expression, which maximizes their ability to contribute to society and the world
value-driven: people that have a strong moral compass and are guided— above all else— by a desire to improve their own lives and those of the people around them, uncompromising on their values and continuously more ‘exclusive’ about spending time and energy only with people that share in those same traits because life is too short to do otherwise
doesn’t take themselves too seriously: contrary to what you might think based upon the aforementioned 4 qualities, these “raging brain” people are also really silly, they have a lightheartedness, sense of humor, and overall levity that helps to balance the heaviness that can sometimes accompany being on a continuous path to growth and evolution
My first
post was about being an “On-Time Bloomer,” which came from the first conversation I ever had with John. He asked me what’s the dream? And I nervously scurried through my elevator pitch answer before deflecting it back with what’s your dream? His answer stopped me in my tracts. And it was very simple. He said that everything in his 26 years of existence (at the time) had brought him to where he was on that day. That’s not to say it had been perfect or free of suffering. But rather, the amalgamation of all of the good and the bad, the blissful highs of self-discovery and bottomless pits of despair, had given him more in 26 years than he could ask for in a lifetime. So he trusts that the pattern will keep repeating. If he stays open, curious, driven by intrinsic desire, and in touch with his intuition above all societal expectations, the dream will continue to present itself in real-time. And from this state of ease, it’s a lot more possible to actually hear and heed the calls of your intuition. It was the type of answer that expanded the upper limits of my lung capacity. That one conversation has led to many subsequent moments of things “just clicking”, one of which was in the conviction I felt for knowing what I want when listening to a podcast with Naval Ravikant. Ravikant is known for challenging conventions of lifestyle, time, and work. I’ve paraphrased some of my notes from the parts of this episode that made my eyes peel open below:I want to become the kind of person for which money-making opportunities present themselves. You don’t have to try to monetize everything that you do, the natural outcome of the way you show up in your life and in your relationships is that things that you do innately are money-making opportunities. You are not intending for them to be that way as a means to an end; it’s just a natural offshoot of who you are.
I have deep relationships with a dozen people who I know and I trust I can do business with for the rest of my life.
They are very high-integrity people and they’re very capable people and it just makes it easy to do things. I set up the infrastructure so the money just makes itself. I don’t really have to do things. I can roll out of bed at whatever time I want, some days I work morning to night, and some days I don’t work at all. I don’t have to respond to anybody and I don’t have to boss people around managing them.
I optimize for independence and freedom
I want peer-to-peer relationships, I want to flow, I want to be able to do business while walking in a forest
The ideal would be to make money with your mind and not with your time. So if I could just make one decision good decision a year and that was enough to sustain my lifestyle, that would be my greatest desire.
Good judgment comes from clear thinking in clear thinking comes from having time to reflect.3
The biggest challenge of your early adulthood is figuring out what you actually want to get out of life. And the constriction in your throat that follows those types of questions is because it can be really hard to pull out a vision from a place of intellectualization. But we all know what it feels like when we hear something that we want and it makes us feel seen and not alone. I share these two lists with you today in case they give you that feeling of resonance and help you parcel through the noise of a) other people’s wants/desires and b) that which you tried to convince yourself you wanted because you thought it would fast-track you to salvation. There are other people in the world who share in taking their lives— but not themselves— seriously.
I am so damn grateful to have found some “slobs I peeled off the street” as Ben referred to us all as we were Sheep herded out of Mt. Joy at Summerstage in Central Park. Many of you reading this help me see my own desires clearly and give me conviction in placing bets on myself for becoming the clearest, least rice-stuffed version of myself that I can possibly be. No words to thank each of you for that.
Honorable mention to my friend Xandra who I got to hear speak on a panel she led about art curation at Pace Gallery on Thursday night. Xandra is another example of a friend that has always gone after exactly what she wants no matter the hurdles, expectations, or societal shoulds that stand in her way. As you all know, she also is the resident art curator for this newsletter and I would not have nearly as much excitement for weaving these together without the beautiful pieces she always pulls to match our themes. NYC people: she is hosting a show called Ascension from 7pm-1am in Williamsburg TONIGHT 8/12 and would love to see any of you there if you are free and in town. Her events are always spectacular. This one features photographer Igal Albala’s documentary project that delves into the vibrant world of Brooklyn's underground rave scene. Hope to see you soon!
That’s it for this week. Thanks for Getting Caught Up in Char’s Web. I will catch you here next week.
With so much gratitude,
Charlotte
**And an always thank you to my brilliant curator and friend, Xandra Beverlin, for tying this whole newsletter together with her recommendations of Alexander Calder, Amy Bravo, Nicholas Party, and Maya Lin this week!
Mary Oliver, “The Summer Day”
This really resonated. Thanks for the rice-free bite from your world!