#12: Attraction of inspiration versus deprivation

reframing the way that we vet new people when letting them into our lives.

Dec 22, 2022

I was at dinner with a friend the other night and he was talking about the difference between attraction of inspiration versus deprivation.

When you are attracted to someone from a place of inspiration— romantically or otherwise— you feel excited about what they bring to the table. You are inspired by the changes that you can foresee happening in your own character by virtue of spending more time with them. It’s a form of attraction that exists from the onset but continues to build slowly as you peel back the layers of a person’s character and life story.

Attraction of deprivation, on the other hand, evokes a more fiery feeling of desire and is intoxicating but often leads to high highs, low lows, lots of confusion, and an overall sense of being disempowered or out of control.

It’s easy to go after things in life that you are attracted to from a place of deprivation because they have a way of getting under your skin; they hold your mind captive until you are able to understand the underlying need that is causing a craving for that form of attention.

That type of attraction tends to be a trap. It is short lived and leaves you feeling just as lost, empty or desperate for attention as you were before the quick dopamine fix kicked in.

Most people can recall an experience of trying to make new friends or beginning to date someone and wanting nothing more than to feel wanted. Waiting home on a Friday night for a text inviting you to something, getting ready in hopes that it’ll happen knowing that you may very well be let down. The coldness that you feel from people that you are attracted to from a place of deprivation makes you respond coldly as well. And so begin the games. The hunt for approval. The external search for validation, which, as distant as it may sometimes seem, can only come from yourself.

And then, contrarily, we all have an experience of making a friend or seeing someone new and the communication is just there. You’re able to bring your full self to the table from the onset. You feel seen. You can tell they feel seen too. It feels different than the addicting desire that forms as a response to attraction of deprivation but it feels just as good. It’s a vulnerable feeling of excitement. One that nearly feels too good to be true. One in which you can’t wait to continue exploring and unveiling characteristics and stories of the other person, while simultaneously discovering new parts of you. Bar-resetting relationships. That is attraction of inspiration.

I’ve felt this a lot in my friendships lately. Meeting people who I immediately start sending voice notes to, having existential conversations with, and have no fear around testing the bounds of our senses of humor. It’s harder to get there with dating, especially in a place like New York where people are swiping endlessly and getting decision fatigue from the amount of options and ‘what ifs’ that exist.

But I am writing this because I had a revelation after my friend told me about this concept of attraction of inspiration and deprivation that has given me a fresh look on the way that I vet anyone new before letting them into my life from here on out.

Whether you are reading this at a time when you are single or if you are in a relationship, the same logic and takeaways apply.

You don’t have to waste your time chasing people and the temporary feeling of validation that accompanies relationships rooted in deprivation. There are people out there that you will be attracted to— romantically and otherwise— from a place of inspiration alone. Look for those people. Remember that they exist.

A good measure for determining if a new relationship is rooted in inspiration or deprivation is to analyze how you feel when you part ways after spending time with someone. If you feel more at peace retreating into solitude after a positive interaction then you’ve likely found attraction of inspiration. A tell-tale sign of deprivation is leaving feeling anxious about when you will see that person again, if they like you, what you are lacking, and when they might call.

The same friend that introduced me to this concept sent me the following screenshot. It’s a caption by Bianca Sparacino on Instagram. I didn’t know of this account before but absolutely love her words.

There is so much in this that resonates. But especially the ending. “If you see something beautiful in someone, speak that. If you experience something rare, do not treat it like it’s regular, do not treat it like it’s an option, do not love human beings in halves.”

We often feel more than we allow other people to see. Vulnerability can be intimidating, but not with the right people. Another good litmus test for knowing if you are attracted to someone from a place of inspiration or deprivation is to see how much of your admiration of them you are willing to share.

In all of the aforementioned friendships and connections that I’ve made recently that are purely rooted in inspiration, I share openly, freely, unabashedly how much I care about them and I am never concerned about the feeling being be reciprocated.

My intention with this newsletter this week is to remind you that these types of friendships and connections exist and if this is something that you have been looking for, or have given up on, this is your reminder to not settle for less.

Attraction of deprivation is so universal. We all crave it, engage with it from time to time, and learn a lot about what we like and don’t like from it. But I hope this serves as a reminder that once you know the feeling of loving someone for the right reasons, it’s pretty hard to re-engage with the cycle of doom that accompanies looking for love and affection from a place of deprivation.

And for another example of attraction of inspiration, here is a poem, written by my beautiful friend Sarah about her friend Nell. This is what pure friend-love feels like and romantic love shouldn’t be all that different.

Poem for Nell, by Sarah Barash

My friend Nell told me

I seem like I’m letting life pull me

Wherever it wants me to go

I grinned

and threw my arms out,

like on the cross,

but really like a diver,

meeting the moment when

gravity is the only way

to get them where they need to go

Let it take me!

And we laugh,

Nell and I,

the kind of laugh that has taken years

of gravity to get just right

Some housekeeping…

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Thanks again, and please tell a few friends if you feel like it: