#28: Thank god you guys are funny
sorry this is late, reflections on a week from hell, & Deb's poem, The Gem.
I really want to have something profound to say about last week and I am not quite there yet. I flew back to LA last Tuesday, put Pearl (our last family dog) down on Wednesday and my mom’s boyfriend (Alan) had brain surgery on Thursday, just a few days after discovering a brain tumor.
Needless to say, it’s been one hell of a week and I let myself off the hook for getting this newsletter out last Thursday. I expected that last week would at least be so kind as to provide me with some really good insights to share about confronting mortality, loss, change, etcetera. And while there have been moments of that, the things that I have been more struck by have been the small, seemingly meaningless moments of laughter that have made the previously unimaginable feel somehow tolerable.
This week has been nothing if not a reminder of my true priorities. And this question has been very top of mind.
Are you wealthy in what matters?
To see everyone in my family and close circle step up to support us this week, sending messages, checking in, and just reminding us of how many people and resources we have in our corner when push comes to shove was a real wake-up call to what really matters in life.
If you’ve been along for this newsletter ride for the past 6 months or so, you know that a lot of my weekly writing revolves around growth, creativity, existential angst in figuring out what you want to do, and sharing stories of meaningful moments that forced a shift in my mindset in hopes that they might do the same for you.
This week, however, was different.
Sometimes life stops you in your tracks and reminds you that maybe you already have enough and can stop fighting tooth and nail on a quest to be more, have more, and do more.
There are seasons in life in which creativity abounds, in which I feel like the best, most vibrant, and extroverted version of myself. And there are other seasons in which putting one foot in front of the other, allowing myself to instead focus time, energy, and attention on what is directly in front of me is all I have the bandwidth for. I think we all have these variations at different times and to different extents.
Sometimes the anxiety that we feel is not actually because we don’t have enough or aren’t doing enough but rather because we are making up stories about needing more, needing to work harder, be better, have more direction, and strive for something to feel okay.
It’s the striving that we crave.
But this past week has caused me to question what would happen if I gave up that battle for a second. To stop searching so hard for what’s next and just enjoy this season.
Silver Lining Miners
The people that I hold closest tend to be expert silver-lining-miners. They can find it anywhere, and this week has also been a fantastic reminder of that. We found silver linings in the amount of family time we got to spend together. We found silver linings in the strange timing of Pearl gifting my mom with her departure so she could shift her focus onto something more pressing. We found silver linings in being reacquainted with the reality of how much our mindsets affect outcomes.
Uncertainty can be a great gift if you allow it to be so.
In the absence of definitive answers, there is space for us to live in the reality that we choose. From that point of focus, more possibility is created for those specific, better-for-all-involved outcomes to truly come into play.
We are simultaneously so much more in control and out of control than we give ourselves credit for.
My waking thoughts, if left unchecked, tend to revolve around trying to best predict what happens in the future such that I am emotionally prepared when I get there. This week was a reminder that we are god-awful predictors of the future and should give up that fight altogether.
This is not a ploy to live each day as though it will be your last, because there is an inherent danger in that too, but instead, a reminder that our efforts are much better when put to use in enjoying what we have in front of us and focusing on the things that are in our control (like our perspective, values, and beliefs).
And if nothing else, at least we can fall back on humor.
If I had to choose one takeaway from this whole week, it has been the importance of a sense of humor. Another trite-but-true statement in Char’s Web, one that I have long known but was reaffirmed in a way that makes me sleep better at night knowing that in the big, scary moments of life, the people that I am surrounded by always choose to laugh at both ourselves and the insanity of situations that life sometimes throws your way.
Honorable mentions were Alan sarcastically telling the nurse, Oscar, that he’s “such a buzzkill” when he requested that our always-laughing crew moved from his hospital room to the cafeteria to allow him some rest, as he did just get brain surgery after all.
I also really enjoyed Alan’s soon-to-be son-in-law (aka Joey, Lauren’s fiancé) sharing that Salt & Straw is the best ice cream he’s ever had to which Alan’s brother (Jay) responded, “Well yeah. He’s from Minnesota. They drink ice cream straight from the cow.”
We named Alan’s tumor (Elvis, for those who are wondering).
He sent this immediately after coming back to consciousness.
And we found a lot of humor in imagining what was awaiting Pearl as the gates of Heaven, Hell, or whatever you believe in opened to let her in.
This newsletter also turned into a bit last week as Travis (my brother) continued to tease that my readers would be ~sO devAstaTEd~ if I didn’t send one out. And as I continued to ask family members if they had any contributions for this week’s edition, I only received one response from Cousin Ruby. However, it was voice-noted by her into my phone in a blacked-out state at Hamburger Mary’s Drag brunch on Sunday so I am selectively choosing not to include it here as I ~apparently~ took it too far last week with my comments about incest.
Anywho, if I had to sum up today’s rant, my intent is ultimately to share this:
We are terrible predictors of the future. Instead of trying to have it all figured out or project what’s to come, we are much better suited to choose the reality that we want to live and start embodying it before it becomes “real”, especially in times of great uncertainty.
One of life’s greatest hacks is to surround yourself with friends/family that make you laugh.
It’s not always about getting ahead. Sometimes we have seasons in which we are not resting or hibernating, per se, but just enjoying the fact that we really do have enough of the things that matter most.
And last but certainly not least, I have a poem for you by the one and only Deborah Collodel, edited by her lovely daughter Sofia. I sent her the theme for this week’s newsletter and she replied with this beautiful poem about the circuitous paths that all lead to clarity.
The Gem
I saw it glistening in the dirt; half hidden by leaves, plastic wrappers, discarded dreams. For a heart beat I thought it could be a gem, it dazzled so. Perhaps dropped down by earthly angels to lift humanity, like a perfect melody that could change us all. If only we had eyes to see. If I reached down to touch it, would I understand? Or merely witness brightness, as it illuminates the ground below. I look down, but now I’ve lost my way. Greedily pawing at dry earth, my animal self grunts with exertion. I could spend a lifetime searching, but should I? Lost in melancholy- wanting, wandering like a blind nomad yet still no answer. Fumbling through sandy soil I feel its smooth edge, marveling at how truth feels simple, so small. Its warmth in my hand springs tears, but sorrow insists on laughter instead. Exhaling fear- finally vision cleared, tree lined paths ahead leading me back to where I began. Where I belong.
-Deborah Collodel
That’s all for Char’s Web today. I will be back with another email later this week to stay on track with my goal of sending out one newsletter per week this year. Grateful for you all and please go make someone laugh today.
**And an always thank you to my brilliant curator, Xandra, for tying this whole newsletter together with her recommendations of David Shrigley and Andie Dinkin this week**
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So well put after the week that just passed.. you truly are so articulate and strike emotional cords that always resonate with me. And thank you Char, for adding my poem, I'm honored you think it worthy :)